Treatment time!!

So it has been a while since I 'blogged' but that is because I was sorting myself out.
My docs decided that 4 sessions of physio was more than enough for me and to just keep taking the painkillers was enough!! Well I went back to another doc at the same surgery and told him that this was not good enough so he set the ball rolling and I have now met my consultant and had an MRI and I go back to the consultant a week from now to find out the results and then the treatment plan.
The treatment can range from sticking to my almost useless painkillers to more physio, injections to as a last resort surgery.  From the first initial consultation the consultant thinks that I have 1 or 2 degenerated discs so basically the back of a 60 year old!!
All those younger years of doing sports and keeping fit really worked for me eh?! I have piled back on the 2 stone that I had steadily lost as I am not allowed to do my beloved Tae Kwon do anymore or anything else too strenuous (though I am still to keep fit and lose weight!),  I hate that I am so big again, I look awful and feel awful but, at the risk of sounding like a whiny, fat bird; what am I supposed to do, my job entails 9hrs sitting in front of a computer not exactly conducive to great weight loss, I try to  go for a walk at lunch times but it is either too cold or wet or my back just isn't up too it that day.  I could eat healthier more often I know this but some days I just really can't be arsed, especially in the chill we have right now and with all the tempting goodies about at the mo!
Still I will sort myself out soon, as soon as I have got my head round everything and find out what the treatment will be, silly though it sounds part of me thinks that my MRI will show only 2 extremes, 1 that there is nothing wrong with me or 2 it's like, how the hell are you even walking!  I realise that this is totally daft but I can't help it.

I desperately want another child now too before I am 40 which is sadly less than 2 years away!  But can we really do it, afford it, can my back take it?

Enough!! one step at a time, back sorted, I will let you know what happens next week first!

Ciao for now
Sara xx

GGGGRRRRRRAAAAARRRRRFGGGGHHH again!!!

Do I have mug, tithead, dunce or such like tattooed to my forehead????  I didn't think so last time I looked.

I am starting to wonder if I should actually say something and properly stick up for myself, or keep quiet as usual in my little corner, keep my head down do my job and then go home.  I think it is the keeping my head down that makes them think that I don't care or that I am too thick to realise what is going on around me, grrrr the sooner I am out of there the better.

I mean I am so much better than that place and those people, I do have more skills than are utilised and I really do have a brain but again I am not given credit for any of that, I have to constantly ask someone of lesser experience than me if this is the right reply to an email (even when I know hthat it is) because she is my 'supervisor' yet she has no more qualifications for the job than I do and she has been there 3 years less than me, yet because she has a degree she gets promoted ahead of me!! What is the degree in? If it is business studies or something vaguely affiliated to our work then maybeok, but no, it is in Psychology for pete's sake!!!
I ask you does that make any sense other than maybe she can detect that I am slowly being driven insane by that place?!

The other thing is that if I do stick up for myself then I am sulky, for instance I recieve an email and know that I need to wait for further instruction before going ahead and then get told the same by the same 'supervisor' as she is sticking her nose into an order that really had nothing to do with her, so I say well yes I would have waited until the date was confirmed before sending the revsed order and I get a sarky 'I was only trying to help' help who, I never asked for help so who other than you were you asking for?? the best bit was that our boss then sent the email that I knew she would asking my mate to sent the relevant mail requesting a change to the order before I sent the revisions, classic.

The brown nosing continued apace today with a one time ally asking someone other than me about a mistake on my order, once upon a time not so long ago it would of been 'Sara you twit you added the wrong detail to this order' but today it was 'Sara has put the wrong detail on this order and it is definitely the one that has been sent' all whilst I was sitting not 2 feet away, how rude let alone sneeking, as you may tell it left me fuming!

Anyway thanks for listening whoever you maybe!!
Sara xx

Fun week off and now back to work/school!

So the week has gone too quick although I was off for most of it, in for 2 days then off on bank holiday but all too soon it has ended and I am back to work tomorrow and then Rhys is back to school on Thursday.

Soon the nights will be really drawing in and then getting colder, yay it will soon be autumn, my favourite time of year.

We have started diying in true Bank holiday tradition, we now have a front end lounge door and the kitchen door is blocked back up again with the fridge actually in the kitchen rather than the utility room for a change.

The lounge looks great and slowly less cluttered but the kitchen is a mess, still at least people don't have to walk through the messy kitchen to get to the lounge now!

Gotta clean up tonight though as I have church family visiting to talk about me becoming a member, and I am actually really nervous.  I want to become even more involved and work for the Lord and think this is the next step but still!  I know the Lord knows my situation and me better than I know myself and I believe he is guiding me down this path but I am still worried that it is not time or that other members will reject me.  This of course is a crazy notion and I think one borne of a bad attitude toward me at my job (if you get put down enough you start to believe it), I know that I will never be everyone's cup of tea and outwardly to look at I could be classed as a bit strange, a rebel due to my tattoo's and piercings but I think that most of the church family have welcomed me in already, especially once I was baptised 2 years ago.  I have let go of my rebellious and questioning past and question things from a thinking point of view not to raise the hackles of people.  I really and truly believe that the Lord wants me to become a full memeber of the church and to give what I can afford to the cause.  I still am a little hung up on this as the bible says that man must give 10% of his monthly earnings which I can ill afford, but again the Lord knows me well and accepts me as I am and with a much or as little I can afford.   So thanks to this little chat it is decided, I will apply to be a member and will pay the same each month in an envelope and if I can spare some change week to week then even better.

thanks again for listening cyberspace I am off to bath the boy and make some cakes!
Sara xx

Yay I am on holiday

So this is me and the gorgeous Adam Garcia outside the stage door of the Novello theatre London after watching his amazing feet (and the rest!) in the fantastic show Tapdogs, it was an amazing day with my 2 best mates and of course we got to see many hunky men who can dance amazingly well, what a cracking start to my holiday! Had a great mooch around Covent Garden first and then dinner in the Strand Palace hotel and then on to the theatre, a brilliant evening was then rounded off by rubbing shoulders in the bar of thesps opposite Oliver! in Drury lane and standing almost next to Adam whilst having an ordinary, everyday drink! Fab!  My back held up well all day with the help of a heat pad in the evening

whilst watching the show.  So today has been rehearsal for our little panto for Christmas, that was hilarious and crazy fun.  Wish I could be in a show in the west end though still a dream away.

So all in all feeling on a high now and hope it lasts, off to London again on Tuesday to visit St.Paul's and take Rhys to see Chinatown and Leicester Square and hopefully Covent Garden too (3 of my favourite places).

See you all soon!!!

Sara xx

The ow, hurt, grr arrgh pain blog!

OK so here it is, the I'm in pain and hate it blog.

So I have lower back pain on the right side and down my right leg 24/7 along with PSD (Pelvic Symphus Dysfunction) although both get to dull ache and stiff stage once taken my painkiller (and the SD not so bad as long as  am not martial arting!), but now I also get a stiff neck and headaches (oh the bloody headaches) and on top of all that I am now suffering constant tingly feelings on my last 3 fingers of left hand as well as spasms in my wrist, all this and not my physio or my doc really quite know what is wrong, other than the fact that I am too young to be feeling this broken.

When I spoke to my doc about the first pain (back & pelvis) I mentioned that my previous doc 2 years before had mentioned that I could be developing AS (Ankylosing Spondilytis) but she wasn't sure as it was the first time I had come to her with back pain.  At the time I checked the symptoms and agreed with her that probably not as I only had say 3 out of 10 symptoms but before I went to the doc this time round I checked again and now had nearly all the symptoms, my doc kind of ran with this and here I am, the painkillers not working as well as I had hoped and the physio great for about 1/2 max after and then back to square one, even doing my exercises that the physio has given me.  I only get to see the physio once a month as she is so busy so each visit is like going back to square one.

So what do I do?  try another doctor and get a 2nd opinion or some tests at least so that I know that I am not going crazy? I read other stories of sufferers of this pain (and AS if that's what it is) that have at least had a blood test to check for inflammation and have a certain marker in their system.

I have read other stuff too that kind of rings true to me in the fact that diet can help.  Studies have shown that there could be a link between IBS and AS and that IBS could be treated as an autoimmune disease the same as AS.  Apparently some people who choose a low starch and low dairy diet and stick to meat and vegetables can reverse this problem (well it couldn't hurt right!)  I do suffer with IBS it would seem now that I have kept a food diary and it is bread/potatoes and cheese that seem to give me the most upset stomach and this also is when the back pain can sometimes be worse (though it could be a coincidence).  I have done a blood test that confirms that I have an intolerance to some foods but could not afford the full test to tell me which foods they were, I don't know it all so bloody hard.

All I know is that I need to lose weight, to do that really well I need to be active, the main type of active I like is Tae Kwon Do and high impact aerobics, which contributed to the pain that I am in, and when in pain although I know that it will help, the last thing I want to do is exercise.
So there, losing weight hard, even if sticking to a strict regime of nothing but rabbit food.

So I think that I am going to cut back on the bread, potatoes and cheese and hope that it eases the pain and helps with the weight too as well as strating up my food diary again to monitor the calories too, then maybe if feeling less painful I can exercise and that will help the weight too!  Whoa, reading this, and only in this respect, it sucks to be me!!!

Wish me luck!

Sara xx

Enjoying the weekend!

Well its nearly time to take the little man to bed already, where do the days go?
Still we have had a good if lazyish day today.  First up the town on the sheep trail and then later a walk to bush fair somehow managing to be indoors anytime it pelted down with rain so managed to keep dry there and back, brilliant!

Me and Rhys treated ourselves to a cake from the bakers and when we got home had a cup of green tea and for him a glass of milk, ate our cakes and watched a movie, good times.

Looking forward to church tomorrow and hopefully seeing all my friends safely back from camp.  Then going to attempt to weed the garden and transfer my tomato plant to a bigger pot, weather permitting.

Kinda bored now though, hate Stu's late shifts when there is nothing to watch on the telly :(

Oh well still one more day to go before going back to work so must make the most of it, I think a Twilight/New Moon fest is in order tonight, been at least 2 weeks since I watched either!

Cheers for now cyberspace!

Sara xx

The Yay its the weekend (1) blog

Well thank goodness for that, its finally here
the weekend, hooray, lets raise a cheer
I though at one point actually again and again
that today especially I would go insane

A crazy, busy day for one, and for all,
not exactly having a ball
working through lunch and leaving late
does not a bunch of happy bunnies make

Still here I am at home writing on my blog,
a great relief after this weeks slog
so here's to catching up fun and family time
and maybe just a little glass of wine!

Sara Coombe August 2010

The Hey Chill out stress head blog

So I have just about survived today but GGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR oh wow that is so much better and wish I could have shouted that out earlier, nothing too bad really just letting work get to me again for no reason that I can fathom, well no sane reason anyway.  I mean why do I still crave even a crumb or a glimmer of hope from a company that barely registers who I am at times let alone note or know my potential.  I get so wound up and cock it all up and that is not doing me any favours, all for a small smile or even a back handed compliment that are so like gold dust I lap it up and suck up (for a little while) then the whole tragic and extremely vicious circle starts all over again, and again etc.

The worse thing is then I come home and beat myself up about it and try to convince myself that maybe tomorrow, or it doesn't matter I have great family and friends and much love (which I do) but why is this kind of love, recognition that is actually (if not entirely literally) killing me, the one I crave, am I a masochist?  I don't really think so, am I just plain stupid? well maybe, sometimes.

Then, oh this is choice what a tit! Then I start thinking, screw it sod saving and waiting to leave on maternity, just go for it, apply for new jobs while you have the time and leisure to choose, then the almost panic attacks set in!! I know crazy, right?
Why do I panic about leaving a job that actually actual work wise I really enjoy, ethics and upper management skills wise I don't, that obviously is not going to get any better, for a place that I have never been the right kind of face for, why am I, a glutton for punishment, still there and panicking about leaving after having a promotion dangled but never delivered (and no explanation) why am I scared to leave this stiff and uncomfortable security blanket?

I know why, because although it often sucks there I would feel guilty about leaving some of my colleagues short handed, this is the kind of place where no matter how sick you are, you come in, in 3 years I have had a 1/2 day off sick as I had no sleep the night before and could not function, and were they worried about me no, were they grateful I dragged my ass back in for the afternoon as I knew we were busy although I should have stayed in bed, hell no.

Another reason I am scared of leaving, the old adage 'if someone puts you down enough, you start believing it' it's true, I have been beaten down to staying at my desk barely speaking, head down getting on with it, some days barely saying good morning, so much so that people wonder if I am OK as I am no more my happy, hippy, cheery, breezy self.  I have no belief in myself anymore, no faith that I can make a good stab at anything whereas before I would always jump in, both feet and deal with it, now I am too scared to even make a suggestion, for fear of being put in my lowly place.

This is crazy I am 37 years old!!! Time to stand on my own 2 feet, yeah right!

The one time a couple of years ago that I did have an interview, there was no strength in my conviction, I was panicking the whole time that someone would spot me.  No wonder I was not picked, rubbish.

Now I have seen a job that I quite fancy, would suit me better and the old, less downtrodden me would have been pretty good at, but the wimpy 'you are crap' me is scared to even apply or ask for more information, afraid of the knock back.

What can I do?  Grow a pair, pull myself together, sort it out, just go for it, all of the above?

I would but I am shaking just thinking about it, maybe next time

Sara xx

The Dreams, Aspirations and Delusions and some other stuff Blog

Ok so lets start with last first.  I delude myself that I am an actor, singer, writer, photographer and designer (in no particular order) when really, I can act (mostly the fool) I can hold a tune, I have written some poems and children's stories but never been seriously published, I have been known to take the odd great shot but that's it and I completed an Interior design course, like forever ago, and never used it.

So my dreams and aspirations?
I dream that I will one day, before I get too old, that I will be an actress in a musical like Oliver! or My Fair Lady! or that I become a published writer and earn at least enough to live on (or become uber famous because of it - worked for J.K!) or that someone at my current job will notice my full potential and give me some work that actually challenges and intrigues.

I aspire to the basics, being a good wife, mother and homemaker which is hard to do sometimes when you work a 40hr week as well, but we seem to rumble along ok (though more about all that another day maybe).

So there is me, or so you think! As my profile suggests many things determine my life and each day what mood I am in, some challenges from outside life and other battles with my self conscience. 

These blogs are supposed to just be an outlet for me to rant and shout with anger, or sing(ish) and cheer for joy, like a live diary so that I can moan or whatever without anyone feeling they have to stop and chat as it were, like on social networking sites. Don't get me wrong it's nice to feel someone cares if they do ask, but I sometimes think that updating your status all the time like that prompts people and you feel bad if you don't ask 'what's up?' not that you don't care but sometimes there is so much other sh*t going on in your own life you don't need to have to deal with others, and in the same way, everyone has their ups and downs and don't need to be burdoned by yours (damn this doesn't sound right, if any of my family/friends actually do read this do not take offence, I love and care for you all it's just sometimes I want to be in my bubble and need it to be all about me, even if, infact especially if, I'm on my own!)
Phew hopefully that is a stonewalling avoided ha ha (ok here you go off on a roll, slow down love don't burn out before you have even started) - Oh yeah did I mention I often talk to myself!

Today has been a good day I survived, work was ok, I picked up my loving son more or less on time, I managed to get him to help me have a quick tidy up, round up the recycling stuff and finish loading and set going the dishwasher all in the first 1/2 hour of being home, and without any moaning.  We are now going to read a book together before he gets ready for bed and another movie (holidays!) then I can relax and have a leisurely dinner and watch something (probably a movie I have already numerous times) whilst waiting for my lovely husband to come home from his late shift and kicking myself for not getting off my butt and doing that exercise video (more about this later too no doubt!)

So bye bye for now .....