So did you know that life can really suck even though have many things to be thankful and indeed grateful for??!!
Well I guess I did really but it had been going rather well, once I found out what was wrong with my back (Osteoarthritis) and decided that the only way to combat this was to quit Tae Kwon do :( and try to get fit in other ways and lose weight I though I had a handle on it all.
WRONG! Since giving up Tae Kwon do I have put weight back on and have now discovered that I have lymphadaema in my legs which means on top of generally having large calves sometimes, as a result of sitting at a desk job all day, I have gargantuan elephant legs, I suppose it explains why I get this but I can't always get away for a walk and a stretch at lunch as we are busy again.
On top of all this we have been trying for a baby for 8 months now, nearly 9 and nothing. It has been really hard anyway with Stu's shifts and my tiredness fitting it all in (so to speak!) and what with me being older, and overweight that adds to the pressure. I just want to cry it seems all so desperate, but my rational mind remembers to kick in now and again and remind me that it is ok to admit defeat from time to time and of course there are people all over worse off than me (of course at the time it doesn't seem like it).
The other bug bear I have at the moment is the house, it is always in a state of almost finished and is totally cluttered and I hate this. Just lately it has been really getting to me and the only way to get it all good is to make a lot more mess before it gets better, it just makes me want to tear my hair out. we really need to have a good clear out of anything that we don't need or have not used in a while, but where to start? and it means that I have to give up some of my Rhys time on a weekend and it hurts my back and it makes me even more tired and I just want to cry again (see I am rubbish).
The thing that just makes everything worse is that I used to be so strong and now I am more of a limp noodle, totally crap and it makes me feel more crappy knowing that this is not me, I am not normally such a worrier and never used to let things bother me, I was so chilled out I was practically horizontal and now check me out, a worry wort caring what other people think of me as a person and what they say about me, my size, my clothes, my family and my house, what is going on?
So I need to pull myself together before I fall apart completely as I know being like this is no good to anyone especially me, Stu and Rhys, I don't want to speak to a doctor as I don't want more tablets, I know somewhere inside I have the strength to get through this but the light at the end of the tunnel is a mere pin prick at the moment and I am scared of the dark (I know at my age!).
I will get a plan of action sorted over the weekend and hopefully make a start as we need to have a clear out to enable us to complete any of the DIY work that needs doing.
Next I need to sort out work life, but that us a whole other ball game!
thanks for listening cyber spacers
