The Hey Chill out stress head blog

So I have just about survived today but GGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR oh wow that is so much better and wish I could have shouted that out earlier, nothing too bad really just letting work get to me again for no reason that I can fathom, well no sane reason anyway.  I mean why do I still crave even a crumb or a glimmer of hope from a company that barely registers who I am at times let alone note or know my potential.  I get so wound up and cock it all up and that is not doing me any favours, all for a small smile or even a back handed compliment that are so like gold dust I lap it up and suck up (for a little while) then the whole tragic and extremely vicious circle starts all over again, and again etc.

The worse thing is then I come home and beat myself up about it and try to convince myself that maybe tomorrow, or it doesn't matter I have great family and friends and much love (which I do) but why is this kind of love, recognition that is actually (if not entirely literally) killing me, the one I crave, am I a masochist?  I don't really think so, am I just plain stupid? well maybe, sometimes.

Then, oh this is choice what a tit! Then I start thinking, screw it sod saving and waiting to leave on maternity, just go for it, apply for new jobs while you have the time and leisure to choose, then the almost panic attacks set in!! I know crazy, right?
Why do I panic about leaving a job that actually actual work wise I really enjoy, ethics and upper management skills wise I don't, that obviously is not going to get any better, for a place that I have never been the right kind of face for, why am I, a glutton for punishment, still there and panicking about leaving after having a promotion dangled but never delivered (and no explanation) why am I scared to leave this stiff and uncomfortable security blanket?

I know why, because although it often sucks there I would feel guilty about leaving some of my colleagues short handed, this is the kind of place where no matter how sick you are, you come in, in 3 years I have had a 1/2 day off sick as I had no sleep the night before and could not function, and were they worried about me no, were they grateful I dragged my ass back in for the afternoon as I knew we were busy although I should have stayed in bed, hell no.

Another reason I am scared of leaving, the old adage 'if someone puts you down enough, you start believing it' it's true, I have been beaten down to staying at my desk barely speaking, head down getting on with it, some days barely saying good morning, so much so that people wonder if I am OK as I am no more my happy, hippy, cheery, breezy self.  I have no belief in myself anymore, no faith that I can make a good stab at anything whereas before I would always jump in, both feet and deal with it, now I am too scared to even make a suggestion, for fear of being put in my lowly place.

This is crazy I am 37 years old!!! Time to stand on my own 2 feet, yeah right!

The one time a couple of years ago that I did have an interview, there was no strength in my conviction, I was panicking the whole time that someone would spot me.  No wonder I was not picked, rubbish.

Now I have seen a job that I quite fancy, would suit me better and the old, less downtrodden me would have been pretty good at, but the wimpy 'you are crap' me is scared to even apply or ask for more information, afraid of the knock back.

What can I do?  Grow a pair, pull myself together, sort it out, just go for it, all of the above?

I would but I am shaking just thinking about it, maybe next time

Sara xx