The new (ish) me!

Hi there peeps!
Well I have just been reading some of my old blogs and wow is pretty much all I can say. 😕
So if you too have had a look back over them and seen just how messed up and conflicted I was then here are some updates.
My last blog was well over 3 years ago!!
Back then I had:
- been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia,
- started the Paleo diet as definitely intolerant to dairy and need to lose weight 
- stockings (delightful!) for my lymphadaema
and a long awaited 2nd child, Logan, so I had been rather busy!

So what has changed in the last 3 years and am I any better for it?

- I still have Fibromyalgia but it is mostly in the background now, thankfully.

- I still have Osteoarthritis in my lower back that can cause other issues, but again is mostly in the background now, thankfully.

- I have finally been to the doc about my moods etc and been diagnosed officially with Anxiety and Depression and have been on meds for this and had CB therapy for it.

So the Anxiety and Depression will explain a lot of my previous blogs 'moods'.  Since finally qualifying to do a completely different role and leaving the job that was so destructive to my life things have really taken a change.  Instead of 9-6 or 7 or 8pm in a soul sucking job where I was totally underappreciated and thought very little of (making me believe I was worthless and not worth thinking about) I now work in a school giving me more time at home with the kids and hubby and immediately life got better! 

I still have dark days or weeks but something happened 2 1/2 years ago that really helps me when the black dog bites, running! Yep I know this fat girl that was always trying some diet of other and new fad of exercise has taken up running.  Well I say running, and it is, but I use a method called the Jeff Galloway method.  This means I run then walk a bit when I need to then run some more and so on.

What brought about this change? parkrun did, or more precisely following with envy my friends life change through running and knowing I would never be able to do it (aforementioned back and knees would surely not take it).  One day she announced on her social media account that she, along with friends from the local running club, was starting up parkrun in our town.  Now I already knew about the parkrun ethos having followed her progress but hadn't joined in the fun yet as all too far away and money was so tight at the time we couldn't afford the extra petrol.  So now I had no excuse did I?  No was the answer, I felt a pull to just go along and support my friend in her new venture and then likely never go again, 5km was forever and I doubt I would complete it this time let alone ever again!

So rather long story slightly shorter, I am now part of the core team and do my part as run director every other month or so.  Did I ever go back and run it, heck yes for quite some time until my back went again and I was out for about 6 months or more.  However, for the last year I have been using the run, walk, run method and get out around 3x a week and I still love it.  I occasionally still beat myself up as I am not very fast and have to walk at times but as everyone says, I am no longer a couch potato and I am getting out there.  I am slowly chipping away at my parkrun time and have gone from 1hr 6mins on my first effort to 50m 05 secs last week.  Still slow in some peoples eyes but again faster than others.  I also follow the lean in 15 Body Coach.  I started with slimming world and did ok but whilst it is great for some, I could not get on with it. The Body Coach made more sense to me so I use some of his meals, have made changes to make some my own just due to taste and when not running try to do at least 2 of his HIIT workouts a week.  All this has resulted in (since August 2016) me losing 2 1/2 stone and coming off all meds (except the odd paracetamol of ibuprofen).

Unfortunately there are still days of serious self doubt and sometimes loathing, I still have my dark times but they are a lot less than they were and I come out of them quicker too so all in all good.

I attribute my life change to new job, working with people who appreciate me, have taken the time to listen and understand me and give me good guidance if I go wrong and getting to spend more time at home.  Yes the house is still a mess and cluttered, though not as bad as it once was, yes I still have days of loads of pain that exhaust me almost before I have even got out of bed but I have to just deal with it and carry on, take naps or have a lazy day if I am able and then catch up.

So how does running fit in with all the pain? Oddly it just does.  I have days, like yesterday, where I felt rough all day for no real reason by 5pm I was fast asleep on the sofa (rather than the odd doze I sometimes do) I woke again at 5.30 and the 5.45 and felt almost worse.  I could have decided not to go to running club but knew it wasn't an option, result? so glad I went, I felt tired and sluggish in the warm up but drills and training woke me up and I felt alive after. Awesome. The pain is always there, in the background reminding me not to push too much but the run,walk,run method helps letting me take a breather before any joints really hurt then carry on.

So there is me bang up to date and about ready to go out again for a short run with a friend.  Probably be more walk than run as we do like a chat but at least we are getting out there.  This helps me earn a lovely carby dinner of a turkey burger bagel (a mash up of 2 lean in 15 recipes!).

So until next time, maybe the weekend actually when I will blog about my DJ stuff (yep miss anxiety can step up on the radio waves).  

See you, take care and enjoy life!

Sara (a.k.a Fat Girl Slimming) also find me on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and YouTube

Holiday nearing end .....

So we all had a fantastic few days in Cornwall, I relaxed, stopped worrying and by the second day began to feel more like the real me, then the day we are going I was shaking and crying again to say goodbye to my mum, my home town and at the thought of going back to that place to work!  Really do not think there is any hope for me sometimes!
Hey ho, suck it up I guess, and as my mum said, I am working towards a new qualification and will keep applying for the job I want and it will happen, just hope it is sooner rather than later.

We went out on errands today, into town and then off to the supermarket, but just getting in the car to go to town made me feel anxious, and when up there for the first half hour or so I hated it, hated the people, the mall, the town itself when normally I don't mind the whole shebang at all. I was alright in the end but at the very last bit we popped into burger king for a drink and a 99p burger for me and have never felt so fat and like I was in a goldfish bowl, on trial in a long time.  And we were surrounded by walking adverts for not eating or drinking the crap they serve up too, felt really sick and can safely say I am never eating fast food again certainly not of the burger chain variety anyway.

Once back home I was in so much pain (though chuffed to have made it all around town and the supermarket without having to stop and sit down for a change - not including car journeys to and from) and so tired that I had to have a lie down, but managed to sort out the bits we had bought first and feed the littlest son his dinner, so all back to normal.

Now I am just anxious about tomorrow, we have invited friends to join us out for breakfast and I am celebrating with a few friends in the evening for dinner too for a birthday and I am getting increasingly insecure about eating in public, like I have no right to eat such food or so much, I know no-one is really thinking this, other than maybe a passing thought of me having had one too many sausages already before going on with their day, but I can't help it.  The thing is instead of putting me off eating I seem to go the other way as if I don't care about my size or what people think, when that is so not the case.

Hey ho once more suck it up I guess, will start again on sunday, I didn't put any weight on this holiday so thats good, so still on track even after tomorrows not so good food choices.

Once more thanks for listening cyber pals.

Sara

Another visit to the docs!

Well yet another trip to the docs!

Been in so much pain and achy lately literally head to toe hands, fingers everything and so bloody tired yet can't sleep ggrrrr.

Anxious and stressing about Stu's job and hating mine.

Had a great week off though, first half was feet up and fat leg free and almost pain free, 2nd half was painful as sleeping in a different bed.

did an allergy test through a chinese herbalist on the friday so waiting for results, hopefully show exactly what is making my stomach so bad.

now got to go and get my bloods done again for everything
to see why I am so tired and hurty, so got to wait another week and for another appointment before we go on to the next stage of pain management or working on what the problem is.

I had thought I was getting better but whilst in London on monday walking was ok but stopping was agony in lower back, hips and pelvis, beginning to wonder if having anoter child is going to be a good idea but getting pregnant is proving a problem anyway so may not be an issue.

will update when results come through.

see ya cyber dudes

The Hey don't let the buggers get you down blog!!

Hey there cyber dudes,

So another month gone by and still not pregnant :( Been looking on the web and reading what I already know and that is the older you getter the harder it gets to fall pregnant.  I know this and still get upset every month.  The more I read of ways to get the body in tune as it were the more I also read that my size and age don't help, I was more fertile 8 years ago when we fell for Rhys well duh, I know this so why do I keep beating myself up over the fact that each month I feel like I have let Stu down, feel he should have picked a younger model to begin with instead of old wrinkly me!

I hate that 2 times now I have been late only to come along cruelly a week or so later.  I know that even 8 years ago it took around 9 months to fall for Rhys so it is bound to take longer this time but it doesn't help.  I feel that everywhere I go I am surrounded by pregnant ladies and babies and that they are mocking me.

I know that I need to lose at least some if not all of my excess weight but exercise is hard as I am in quite a lot of pain most days and it puts me off trying, when deep down I realise that maybe the more I do the easier it will get but I am stuck in more than several vicious circles and getting dizzy as a result.

I feel better for blubbing on here it is like an open diary and certainly an open prayer, I don't want it all at once i.e. slim figure, less pain, baby on the way, but a small amount of the first 2 to aid in the 3rd would be great.

I am walking to the shops and back in a mo for a start and will try to resist buying anything too naughty but that is not enough, need to do more but I guess its a start and gets me off my butt and from in front of a computer screen!

thanks for listening again world!!

Life can sometimes suck!!!

So did you know that life can really suck even though have many things to be thankful and indeed grateful for??!!

Well I guess I did really but it had been going rather well, once I found out what was wrong with my back (Osteoarthritis) and decided that the only way to combat this was to quit Tae Kwon do :( and try to get fit in other ways and lose weight I though I had a handle on it all.

WRONG! Since giving up Tae Kwon do I have put weight back on and have now discovered that I have lymphadaema in my legs which means on top of generally having large calves sometimes, as a result of sitting at a desk job all day, I have gargantuan elephant legs, I suppose it explains why I get this but I can't always get away for a walk and a stretch at lunch as we are busy again.

On top of all this we have been trying for a baby for 8 months now, nearly 9 and nothing.  It has been really hard anyway with Stu's shifts and my tiredness fitting it all in (so to speak!) and what with me being older, and overweight that adds to the pressure.  I just want to cry it seems all so desperate, but my rational mind remembers to kick in now and again and remind me that it is ok to admit defeat from time to time and of course there are people all over worse off than me (of course at the time it doesn't seem like it).

The other bug bear I have at the moment is the house, it is always in a state of almost finished and is totally cluttered and I hate this.  Just lately it has been really getting to me and the only way to get it all good is to make a lot more mess before it gets better, it just makes me want to tear my hair out.  we really need to have a good clear out of anything that we don't need or have not used in a while, but where to start? and it means that I have to give up some of my Rhys time on a weekend and it hurts my back and it makes me even more tired and I just want to cry again (see I am rubbish).

The thing that just makes everything worse is that I used to be so strong and now I am more of a limp noodle, totally crap and it makes me feel more crappy knowing that this is not me, I am not normally such a worrier and never used to let things bother me, I was so chilled out I was practically horizontal and now check me out, a worry wort caring what other people think of me as a person and what they say about me, my size, my clothes, my family and my house, what is going on?

So I need to pull myself together before I fall apart completely as I know being like this is no good to anyone especially me, Stu and Rhys, I don't want to speak to a doctor as I don't want more tablets, I know somewhere inside I have the strength to get through this but the light at the end of the tunnel is a mere pin prick at the moment and I am scared of the dark (I know at my age!).

I will get a plan of action sorted over the weekend and hopefully make a start as we need to have a clear out to enable us to complete any of the DIY work that needs doing.

Next I need to sort out work life, but that us a whole other ball game!

thanks for listening cyber spacers

Treatment time!!

So it has been a while since I 'blogged' but that is because I was sorting myself out.
My docs decided that 4 sessions of physio was more than enough for me and to just keep taking the painkillers was enough!! Well I went back to another doc at the same surgery and told him that this was not good enough so he set the ball rolling and I have now met my consultant and had an MRI and I go back to the consultant a week from now to find out the results and then the treatment plan.
The treatment can range from sticking to my almost useless painkillers to more physio, injections to as a last resort surgery.  From the first initial consultation the consultant thinks that I have 1 or 2 degenerated discs so basically the back of a 60 year old!!
All those younger years of doing sports and keeping fit really worked for me eh?! I have piled back on the 2 stone that I had steadily lost as I am not allowed to do my beloved Tae Kwon do anymore or anything else too strenuous (though I am still to keep fit and lose weight!),  I hate that I am so big again, I look awful and feel awful but, at the risk of sounding like a whiny, fat bird; what am I supposed to do, my job entails 9hrs sitting in front of a computer not exactly conducive to great weight loss, I try to  go for a walk at lunch times but it is either too cold or wet or my back just isn't up too it that day.  I could eat healthier more often I know this but some days I just really can't be arsed, especially in the chill we have right now and with all the tempting goodies about at the mo!
Still I will sort myself out soon, as soon as I have got my head round everything and find out what the treatment will be, silly though it sounds part of me thinks that my MRI will show only 2 extremes, 1 that there is nothing wrong with me or 2 it's like, how the hell are you even walking!  I realise that this is totally daft but I can't help it.

I desperately want another child now too before I am 40 which is sadly less than 2 years away!  But can we really do it, afford it, can my back take it?

Enough!! one step at a time, back sorted, I will let you know what happens next week first!

Ciao for now
Sara xx

GGGGRRRRRRAAAAARRRRRFGGGGHHH again!!!

Do I have mug, tithead, dunce or such like tattooed to my forehead????  I didn't think so last time I looked.

I am starting to wonder if I should actually say something and properly stick up for myself, or keep quiet as usual in my little corner, keep my head down do my job and then go home.  I think it is the keeping my head down that makes them think that I don't care or that I am too thick to realise what is going on around me, grrrr the sooner I am out of there the better.

I mean I am so much better than that place and those people, I do have more skills than are utilised and I really do have a brain but again I am not given credit for any of that, I have to constantly ask someone of lesser experience than me if this is the right reply to an email (even when I know hthat it is) because she is my 'supervisor' yet she has no more qualifications for the job than I do and she has been there 3 years less than me, yet because she has a degree she gets promoted ahead of me!! What is the degree in? If it is business studies or something vaguely affiliated to our work then maybeok, but no, it is in Psychology for pete's sake!!!
I ask you does that make any sense other than maybe she can detect that I am slowly being driven insane by that place?!

The other thing is that if I do stick up for myself then I am sulky, for instance I recieve an email and know that I need to wait for further instruction before going ahead and then get told the same by the same 'supervisor' as she is sticking her nose into an order that really had nothing to do with her, so I say well yes I would have waited until the date was confirmed before sending the revsed order and I get a sarky 'I was only trying to help' help who, I never asked for help so who other than you were you asking for?? the best bit was that our boss then sent the email that I knew she would asking my mate to sent the relevant mail requesting a change to the order before I sent the revisions, classic.

The brown nosing continued apace today with a one time ally asking someone other than me about a mistake on my order, once upon a time not so long ago it would of been 'Sara you twit you added the wrong detail to this order' but today it was 'Sara has put the wrong detail on this order and it is definitely the one that has been sent' all whilst I was sitting not 2 feet away, how rude let alone sneeking, as you may tell it left me fuming!

Anyway thanks for listening whoever you maybe!!
Sara xx